phaseshifter | IC Contact

Spoken like someone who's never encountered scurvy. You do know your teeth fall out and your wounds stop healing, right? [Behold his two bits of actual medical knowledge he is so proud of them.]

I think oranges are also an option. Never had the chance to test it scientifically, but I think we should. I don't see a downside.

Oh. Maybe that was still a thing on Pandora? I saw a lot of people with teeth missing and open wounds. I kinda assumed that was due to bandits and bar fights.

[ lbr, it probably WAS because of bandits and bar fights. She's still going to eat like fifty oranges now, tho. ]

I take it you saw a lot of it on that one ship you were on? With your friend and the whiskey barrel.

If they had scurvy they were not banditing. Not if it was serious, anyway. [He hesitates a little at her question, but really, he's walked himself into it. And quibbling about anything seems silly right now.]

As a mortal sailor, actually. They were very unhealthy times.

...A sailor?

[ As one can probably imagine, Angel has had zero experience with Actual People Who Sail On Actual Boats That Go On Water™. Shit's archaic as fuck. Where all the hoverbikes and monster trucks and fancy cars at?

So. Her only real knowledge of sailors is from pop culture bullshit. Which means she is immediately imagining Beckett in one of those twee little old-timey sailor uniforms.

YO HO. ]

You? Really?

Yes? In the British Merchant Navy, sailing the Atlantic. [He didn't think it'd be that amazing a revelation, until it does indeed occur to him that Angel may not have any kind of experience at all with... anything boats. Wait. Maybe even -]

Have you ever seen the sea, Angel?

I think so. I mean - of course I've seen it, through my satellites. But I think I remember going paddling with Jack when I was very little? I had to wear one of those scuba suit things so my markings were hidden.

I don't remember much about it. It has to have been before mom died, so. A long time ago. And definitely not as interesting as anything you got up to, I'm sure!

[ Though she's betting the outfits were about as dumb ]

[He gives a patented vampiric wry chuckle.] If you are picturing high adventure, don't. There are few things as tedious as a long sea journey, except when it's terrifying. Maybe if you were an officer on a warship... but I was a deckhand on a tobacco merchant. Dull as death.

[Except when it was terrifying. These are about the two impressions the sea has had on him. Still...]

I'm glad you remember. I can't imagine a whole life without ever seeing the ocean.

Dull? Travelling with merchants is really dangerous on Pandora. Were band-- uh. Were pirates not into trying to steal your cargo? Didn't you ever get your booty plundered, even onc--

I'm so glad Steph didn't witness that.

Tell me about when it was terrifying!

I. Uh. [Of all things, this is the one kind of stories he'd never thought he'd be sharing, certainly not as examples of adventure. They didn't feel like it at the time, though at the time nothing felt much like anything, so...]

No pirates that I can recall. Our cargo was never that interesting. We, uh... saw a giant squid once? A true giant, maybe fifty feet. Its tentacles reached the deck and we were certain it was going to eat us all alive... but looking back I think it was as scared of us as we were of it.

... but I have never had my booty plundered, thank you very much.

Pfftsnrk. I'd be willing to bet that the house with the - the, uh, exotic literature will have something about tentacles and plundered booty, you know. You're not helping your case here.

[ Being able to laugh again - or snicker immaturely, if we're being accurate - is good and Angel is going to abuse the shit out of it. SO THERE. ]

I'm sorry, what?

[Angel. Pay close attention. Because it is happening.

Vampire dad is unwise in the ways of tentaclebooty.]

How are tentacles supposed to relate to - oh - Lilith's blood, girl.

[ WELP THAT'S IT, NOW SHE'S DYING ]

Beckett. How did you not get tha-- I mean, you-- do vampires not use the echonet?

The ech- you mean the internet. Of course we do. For practical purposes.

[Behind his indignity, the sad truth: last time Beckett had an email account he put his password in his username. It's hard to forget this way okay.]

And in all your hours of serious practical internetting, you never got so much as ambushed by a lewd pop-up ad?

[ Unfathomable. Vampires must have their own internet. One where they leave yelp reviews for blood banks and get spam email advertisements for vampagra pills. ]

Well, yes, now and then. It is the gift of mankind that if a medium exists they will find a way to make it supply pornography. It's just usually restricted to body parts that humans actually possess.

[ why is the thought of beckett getting attacked by porn pop-ups angel's new favourite thing jfc ]

Oh. I guess unlike myself, your average human-slash-vampire doesn't spend a lot of time researching one-eyed tentacle vore monsters, huh.

Wait, that soun-- for Jack. For vault stuff.

[The thought of Angel looking up tentacle monsters vore porn is not Beckett's favourite thing at all.]

I feel like I'm about to be told that one-eyed tentacle porn monsters are a real problem in your world. And I'm not sure I want to be.

Oh, geez, no! There was just one. Inside the Vault. Thus the need for research! And it's dead now. Obviously.

I mean, we have threshers, which are pretty tentacley. But they have lots of eyes. Not the same thing at all.

You say that like just one tentacle porn monster isn't a problem.

[how is this conversation still happening]

At least it's dead. I hope the corpse was burned. To very fine ashes. Which were then launched into space. Deep space.

Can you quit calling The Destroyer a tentacle porn monster. And actually, part of its corpse was launched into space! Jack took the eye and made a giant death laser out of it, which got installed on Hyperion's space station.

I never actually saw it, but I hear it was very cool. And that it went BRRWWAAAHHH when it fired. And as far as I know, nobody wrote adult-oriented fanfiction about it in that form.

[ Someone probably did, tho. SPACE RULE 34 APPLIES ]

Goodness, I hear giant death lasers have incredible penetrating power. And I'm glad we've established it was a screamer.

[TIME FOR A COUNTERATTACK]

BECKETT.

[ FOR SHAME, OLD MAN. Turnabout is not fair play.

Her mock-disapproving expression only lasts for a moment before it's replaced with one of total and utter agony. Oh no. ]

Oh my god. The weapon, it - it was destroyed because someone hijacked it and. And was firing it at a crack on the moon. And it was destroyed by overloading it so it exploded everywhere.

[ It literally being made from a one-eyed tentacle monster is bad enough WHY IS HER DAD'S EVIL ORIGIN STORY A DICK JOKE ]

IC Contact - Snowblind

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the information in this tag is %100 canon

oh my goD BECKETT,

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